In addition to the comments expressed in my reflection on the Tutor’s report, I also realised that the proposed exercises for analysing my studio did not motivate me. Therefore, I began or continued to develop works that could become the basis of this course. During the work, I asked only one question - what do I want and what is important to me?
My work is currently divided between colour fields (also sometimes called "commercial work" but I don´t see it like that) and sculptural compositions. Colour fields were born from my feelings of synaesthesia and fascination with colour. In turn, the sculptural compositions were inspired by my past, when as a teenager I worked in my father’s workshop with everything that came to hand, and the rejection of traditions that were imposed on me by academic education and my culture.
Now, I am interested in the question: is there a relationship between these works and is it necessary to compare them? Considering my tutor's previous comments, I began to think about the conflict and about my opposition. In my sculptural works, I oppose the classical Russian system of artistic education. I wasn't allowed to do what I wanted, so I'm doing it now. I choose materials that are unpleasant to the viewer and use unconventional artistic methods. But my inner sense of beauty still ends up painting the surface of these materials and creating something aesthetic.
I started a new colour field the way I would start working on a sculpture - intuitively selecting the right elements for the working surface of the painting.
At first, the elements simply felt like they fit together, then they created combinations and even a narrative. I tried to understand what I was doing. And was just keep doing... And then several times I had this feeling, when, at the moment of choosing the right material or colour or size, and with a generalized look at the object, a pleasant murmur arises in the stomach (just below the lungs). This emotion appeared in my life only during moments of artmaking. I guess it has something to do with a feeling of inner resolution or discovery of something. After this description, I realized that yes, this feeling motivates me to work, but it cannot be the interest of my work or the goal. Or can? Could this be my drug? Addiction to constantly getting that feeling?
Such a combination of my beautiful works with debris which I normally would use for my sculptures, has given me the idea of destruction. And also the conflict between the beautiful and the ugly, which as a result became one object. Destruction of a full-colour field. The conflict of the commercial and attractive for the viewer with garbage. In addition, I reassemble, re-create what was destroyed.
How can this be translated into research? Exploring the conflict of ideas, materials, working methods? Of course, this topic is more relevant than ever. I can’t understand how one can support violence, commit it, and most importantly, how to make people stop killings in the conflict? What will remain after conflict and destruction? Will there be something new or will there be a rebirth through the old?
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