What movements are the most exciting for me, and how do I react to them?
• fingers only, what are the smallest marks I can make?
Starting a new course, I was expecting something energetic and big. Therefore, it was wrong to start work with the movement of the fingers. The result was known to me in advance. Here it is probably correct to note the fact that the internal state largely influences the final piece.
During this experiment, I did not have the patience to work with only my fingers for a long time. It was not enough oxygen. Then I realized that I held my breath to draw the line or complete the task correctly. It was like a storm that was raging inside me, and I tried to fit it into a point or line. I didn't like this process, and therefore I wanted to finish it as soon as possible.
The sound of the oil pastels, which I decided to work with, was nervous and all the time short.
I suppose that if I had to draw a miniature at the table, I probably would have lasted longer.
But I always knew that detailed work was not for me. This is a character. This is how people are born. My first two elements in the BaZi (Eastern Astrology) chart, Rat and Monkey are the most restless signs of all twelve. Over the years, I have learned to control myself. And at the same time, I can justify my inner desire for active movements and great emotions. Therefore why I would go against my nature?
Working with fingers of two hands is doubly unpleasant. It is as if you were shown the ocean and then asked to swim in a pond.
So I move on quickly…
• hand, articulated from the wrist.
The next test, the movement of the hand articulated from the wrist, was not much better. My movements are tight. There is a rhythm in the sound of the pastel movement, but I cannot be focused on it as I am not comfortable. I constantly want to move both with my hands and with my whole body. The lines are limited by the distance my wrist can make. At this stage, my breathing evened out, but I was waiting for the opportunity to work with my whole body.
Drawing with both hands was still inconvenient. And such a simultaneous process was rather strange, a bit like a robot movement. There is also rhythm which is translated to the marks. But they are tending to be in a certain unity. It can be a circle, spot or a line. Ultimately, there is always a limitation of the body.
Also regarding the whole workspace. Since only fingers and wrists were working, the sheets of paper were painted only at the height where my hands were.
• hand, articulating the lower part of my arm from the elbow.
It was getting harder and harder to hold back. The lines are more elongated. The dots turned out to be nervous and ragged. Great desire to involve the whole body. I want to walk and work with the entire surface. The movements are uncomfortable. A readable hand movement "restriction" appears. It is like a compass with a pencil lead.
• hand, articulating my whole arm from the shoulder and through the elbow and wrist.
Finally. I've been waiting for this. Everything is fine. Breathing is free, the mood is high. It was strange to work with one hand and at the same time, limit yourself in movement. So I quickly tried all the marks I was interested in. It turned out to be inconvenient to make jagged points, which was clear from the beginning. They were not as points but as small lines.
I loved the sound of oil pastels on paper. Sharp, bold and strong.
I have not done such exercises in my life, so I was struck, by the accuracy of the circle created with one hand.
But here the whole wall was no longer visible. I controlled the line but could not see the whole picture. For this, it was necessary to move away from work.
Then I tried to make marks with the movements. I was free and easy to move. Working with both hands was strange and unnatural. I only thought about the paint. I lacked oil paint, colour and texture.
But, then I felt some discomfort when I began to draw long lines. They were "uncomfortable". I didn't feel control in every stroke and mark as I usually do feel! A particularly strange sensation was in the jump. What a mad dissonance. There is no connection with the ground, some kind of, corrosion occurs in my mind.
I tried to work with music. Recently, I have noticed that it distracts me. But on the other hand, sometimes I even select music according to my mood or idea - it can be instrumental, or progressively experimental, or something else. In this case, everything was strange ... The music did not fit this work. The movements were unnatural and felt uncomfortable. Especially when I made a weird full turn motion.
Next, I tried to compare my feelings during my usual painting process. Everything is perfect here. I forget that I am me. This is some kind of interaction with the surface, which is open for me and only for me. I am taking it as a brain hard work to bring all the parts into balance. I do not breathe; I become colour and lines, spots. I communicate to canvas, so in the evening I can't talk to my loved ones anymore. At the night I continue working on this piece during my dreams. I don't have to involve my whole body, dance or jump in front of the canvas. I already belong to this process with my entire body because my brain turns into colour and lines. This sound brushing against the canvas is the answer to my suggestions. My movements and deviations from the painting are rhythmic and filled with sequences. It's like meditation.
B tried to focus on movement again. Such sharp and abrupt movements are the most poetic for me. It's like breathing out. And every subsequent movement this is an action it is energy. What expression does such human energy have? Why am I embodying this through paint and colour?
Here I remembered about a similar work that I did in 2018.
Memory, 2018, varnishes, fluorescent acrylic, oil, thread, blacklight and digital line on canvas. Music by The Insomniac Parade by The Whole Other (2018) YouTube collection, video projection 3'50'' on canvas, 210 x 210 cm.
I did this work during the failed IVF. This process was so unnatural and strange for me, that I wanted to scream, I had physical pain, it hurt, and I was twisted inside. Therefore, I had to take out all the strain. I healed myself and patched my wounds.
I worked with my entire physical body and brain. But these traces and marks did not carry the shock that I experienced. It was as chemistry. Artificial. And I wanted to show such a contradiction between simulated and natural.
So I continued to draw with an artificial line. Digital line. This is the line drawn on the iPad. This is only a hand movement, nothing more, but the meaning of such a small move can be transformed and disseminated on a different scale than the physical picture.
I want to point out the importance of this little motion as the "movement of our time" with the mouse or Apple pencil.
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